Grief Brings Us Back to Life
Grief is often treated as something to be "gotten over" or hidden away. But in truth, grief brings you back to life.
Loving someone with dementia is one long slog of continuous grief. Your loved one may live for many years—even decades—with the disease, all the while losing their capacity to express themselves. In this way, dementia is a disease of grief.
Most of us don't know what to do with this overwhelming, uncomfortable, and seemingly endless emotion. In my profession as a chaplain educator, I teach students how to be with patients, families and healthcare staff in the midst of their fear and grief. To be a chaplain, you must become comfortable with grief. It’s not all doom and gloom. There is a good reason to go there: Grief takes you back to the fullness of life.
The Evidence of Great Love
We all need to grieve because grief is evidence of great love. Life is a spectrum; if you cut yourself off from feeling the lows (sadness, anger, fear), you inadvertently cut yourself off from the highs (joy, gratitude, exuberance).
We must feel both pain and peace to be fully alive. Hidden within the cloud of sadness lives a spark of joy. Our grief is the very thing that returns us to the fullness of feeling.
Sorrow vs. Regret: The Two Types of Grief
My beloved educator taught me that there are only two types of grief. The distinction is simple, yet profound:
The Grief of Sorrow: When you say and do what you need to say and do.
The Grief of Regret: When you do not say or do what you need to say and do.
The Healing Power of Sorrow
The grief of sorrow is healing. Think of it like a wound that has been properly cleansed and bound; it heals slowly from the inside out. While the pain eventually decreases, it leaves a scar. That scar is evidence of a life changed, not a life debilitated.
The beauty of the grief of sorrow is that it is never too late.
- If you can say it, say it.
- If you can do it, do it.
Even if your loved one has passed, you can write a letter, visit their grave, listen to or sing their favorite songs, or gather family to remember them. Feeling your feelings fully is the pathway back to your heart.
The Stagnation of Regret
The grief of regret, however, is like an infected wound that festers. The skin may close over the top, but it remains painful to the touch. Because it hurts, you avoid it. You say nothing; you do nothing. You pretend the grief is not there. By protecting yourself from that pain, you slowly lose the capacity to move and feel. Avoiding the pain becomes more important than living your life. This pain keeps you stuck and small.
Overcoming the Fear of Feeling
Our culture teaches us to hide from, ignore or deny death and illness. It is easy to avoid grief when the sadness feels large enough to swallow you whole. But this fear of feeling keeps us stuck.
Do not be afraid of your grief. (And if you are, I can help! Let’s talk.) You are strong enough to feel it, experience it, learn from the experience, and use it to return to life. While the loss will never go away, tending to your grief allows you to find your way back to wholeness.
Finding the Way Forward
Dementia offers a unique, albeit difficult, opportunity. Though the relationship changes and will never be what it once was, you have the gift of time. You can still say what you need to say. You can still do what you need to do.
Instead of asking "Why me?"—questions that have no answers—try asking:
What next?
What am I led to say from my heart?
What do I need to do to start to feel whole again?
By learning to grieve openly, you don’t just help yourself. You become a model for the younger generation, showing them how to live full, meaningful, and joyful lives even in the wake of loss.
