The Legacy you leave Your Great-Grandchildren
If you walk through a forest, you see individual trees. They look like solitary figures, standing side-by-side but essentially alone.
But as forest ecologist Suzanne Simard reveals in her groundbreaking work, Finding the Mother Tree, the truth is much deeper. Beneath the soil, a complex, microscopic "mycorrhizal network" of fungi connects the trees. Through this hidden web, trees communicate, share carbon and water, and send distress signals. They aren't just a collection of individuals; they are a single, living system.
Human families are exactly the same. We look like a group of individuals living separate lives, but we are profoundly interconnected by the "invisible roots" of our relationships. Dementia is a disease so life altering, it can uproots not just individuals, but entire families.
The Family System in a Storm
In Bowen Family Systems Theory, we understand the family as an emotional unit. Just as a forest reacts when a storm hits one side of the grove, a family system reacts when one member faces a crisis.
Caregiving, chronic illness, and aging are "storms" of the family forest. They shake the branches of every member. When a parent becomes ill, the stress doesn't stay confined to them; it vibrates through the spouse, the adult children, and even the grandchildren.
In these moments of high stress, it is common for the "underground network" of relationships to become overloaded. Communication breaks down, old sibling rivalries resurface, and boundaries blur. You might feel like you are losing your compass in the fog. Dementia, over the years, demands such different responses. Relationships, dependency, and needs are always changing.
You Cannot Change the Forest, But You Can Tend the Tree
When family stress hits, our first instinct is often to try to change others. We want our siblings to help more, our parents to be more cooperative, or our spouse to be more understanding.
But here is the foundational truth of systems theory: You cannot change another person, but you can change the way you show up in the system.
In a forest, if one "Mother Tree" is healthy and resilient, she can send resources and stability through the network to the younger saplings. In a family, when you work on yourself—when you "grow yourself up" in the midst of your relationships—the whole system stabilizes.
The Gift of Self-Work
Investing in coaching or personal growth while you are in the thick of caregiving might feel selfish. You might think, “I don't have time for myself; I have to take care of them.”
But working on your own boundaries, your emotional regulation, and your sense of self is actually the most generous gift you can give your family.
When you learn how to hold onto your center during a crisis, you are:
Reducing the "anxiety" in the network: When you stay calm and clear, others are less likely to spiral.
Breaking generational patterns: You are choosing to respond with love and affection rather than reactive anger or guilt.
Creating a "Loving Yes": By maintaining your boundaries, the care you give comes from a place of choice, not just obligation.
Your Legacy is Being Written Now
The way you navigate these months or years of caregiving is a legacy that will be remembered long after the "storm" has passed.
How you communicate with your siblings, how you connect with your spouse while exhausted, how you parent your children, and how you honor your parents’ dignity—these are the stories your grandchildren and great-grandchildren will inherit. They are the "saplings" in your forest, watching how the Mother Tree stands in the wind.
By investing in yourself now, you are ensuring that your legacy is one of meaning, inclusion, and resilience. You are strengthening the roots of your family for generations to come.
You matter to the forest. When you grow, everyone benefits.
